Religion in the News

Jesus' Penis Attracts Women From Afar

by Elroy Willis

JAUREZ, NEW MEXICO (EAP) -- A life-size statue of Jesus has attracted large crowds of women this past week to the town of Juarez, New Mexico. The statue, located on the front lawn of Lakeside Methodist Church, was vandalized two weeks ago when a group of suspected teenage hoodlums attached an erect penis to the statue.

Crowds of women have been gathering around the statue this past week to admire the fully engorged sex organ of their beloved savior Jesus.

"I was horrified when I saw what someone had done to the statue of our Holy Savior," said Pat McCoy, Pastor of the Church. "I tried to pull off the penis, but it's really welded on tight. I also tried hammering it off, but it only bent the penis a little and attracted more attention from women who claim to like curved penises."

"We like the statue this way, it's more life-like," said Mary Sanchez and a group of women from her congregation. "I stroked the penis when nobody else was looking and I swear I could feel it pulsating," she said. "It was obvious God was revealing himself to me in a very intimate way," she said.

Pastor McCoy said that female attendance to church services has nearly doubled since the statue was vandalized and is having second thoughts about removing Jesus' penis.

"Our collection plates are overflowing," he seemed happy to say. "Maybe it wasn't teenage hoodlums at all, but rather a miracle from God to attract more women and their husbands to my church."

The Juarez police department became involved when they spotted a woman having sex with the statue and had to physically pull her off of Jesus' erect penis.

"We had to use some muscle to get her off the statue. She was really attached to it," said officer Mark Gonzalez. "She didn't wanna let go and put up quite a fight. She was mumbling something about being the Virgin Mary and Jesus being her 'Big Daddy' or 'Holy Daddy' and screaming 'Oh God Oh God' when we finally managed to pry her free from the statue."

Further disruptions occurred when a large group of women gathered at the statue and began singing loudly, attracting an even larger crowd of people. A small skirmish broke out when the husbands of several of the women arrived on the scene and tried to get their wives to come home with them.

"This has gotten way out of hand," said Jerry Ritter, owner of Jerry's Christian Book Store, located across the street from the church. "My wife is obsessed with the statue and the Jesus penis and spends half the day just staring at it," he said.

"I feel emasculated," he said.

Pastor McCoy said that several women in the church have taken up a private collection to enlarge Jesus' penis, and isn't quite sure what to do about the whole situation.

"I've been considering moving the statue inside the church but leaving the penis on it since the women seem to like it so much, but I'm not sure if the penis should be enlarged. It might upset some of the men in our church," he said.

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