Religion in the News

Empty Caskets Found in Houston Cemeteries

by Elroy Willis

HOUSTON (EAP) -- Assured by their pastor that the end is near, several Houston people dug up their deceased family members last week, took them out of their caskets, and re-buried them under only a few inches of dirt in an attempt to make it easier for them to get up from their graves after Jesus resurrects them in the days to come.

"We didn't like the idea of our dearly departed having to claw their way out of their caskets," said several members of Westside Baptist Church. "Our pastor said that Jesus is coming any day now, and we couldn't stand the thought of our loved ones being trapped inside their caskets with no way out," they said.

"I only mentioned that people buried in metal caskets might have a hard time getting out of them to my congregation, and I surely wasn't suggesting that they dig up graves," said Frank Youngblood, pastor of Westside Baptist Church.

Caretakers at several cemeteries in the Houston area were baffled by metal caskets found lying outside grave sites, and called the Houston police department to investigate the matter.

"I didn't really know what to think about the three caskets I found when making my rounds last Friday," said Leo Roberts, caretaker of Heavenly Home cemetery. "I opened the caskets and found nothing inside, and it was only after I noticed that the graves had been covered over that I discovered the dead bodies had been re-buried."

"This will certainly hurt my metal casket sales," said Thomas Burlar, owner of Lonestar Caskets, who prides himself in making the best caskets in the Houston area. "My caskets are completely waterproof," he said. "I make sure that people's loved ones are protected from all the elements, even the little worms which like to eat away at decomposing bodies."

"The people who dug up the graves obviously underestimate the power of Jesus," said Larry Adams, head of the investigation. "They must think that Jesus can't transport bodies through the metal caskets and up to ground level using his super powers."

"I never really thought about it before Pastor Youngblood mentioned it, but I now realize that it was just plain stupid of me to bury my wife in a metal casket six feet under the ground that she couldn't get out of when she came back to life when Jesus returns," said George Ingram, member of Westside Baptist Church.

"If I had to do it over again, I'd just put her in a nice cloth wrap and bury her six inches or so underground, just enough to keep any wild animals from digging her up."

"This might start a bad trend and cause a big loss of income for me," Burlar said when asked what he thought about the matter.

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